I have not enough depth to me
Not nearly enough body
I waver when without clarity
And envy those greater than me.
I question my own value
As my existence has been short
Although my will may ring true
I’m not acknowledged with thought.
In each ripple as it unfolds
Boots sink into me
Too heavy to hold.
I’m merely the byproduct
I hold a fraction of downpour
And though my contributions are feeble
I want to be more.
With water I can be,
It shimmers on my surface
Although they still look down at me
They’re acknowledging my purpose.
Many of us will let go
To what little we hold
But I want them to be surprised
When my ripples unfold.
Down at 11 and up at 1
Long after I saw the setting of the sun
Long before I know I’ll see it again
As the night replays every moment of happiness
anger and pain.
And then from 1 I crawl into 3
Let the silence soak into all of me
Let the ceiling fall into my skin
And drag the room around me closer in
Counting from 3, until I can see 4
The dawn seeping underneath my door
As if I couldn’t hear it coming for me
It rips away my eyelids for me to see
It’s when 4 turns into 5
That I know my dreams cannot survive
I fight brightness and I count sheep
I even claw at nightmares just to fall asleep
I don’t wait for morning but it comes for me
Ripping me back through the clouds without gravity
I thought I had healed the sickness that kept me from sleeping
But the back of my eyes are burning and I can’t remember anything.
There are waves on my insides, making movements of the subtle sea
This rise and fall of the water has long been with me
But today waves are ruly, breaking the bones beneath my skin
Forcing me to the floor and reminding me of the position I’m in
Are bones for breaking? There is just so much I don’t know
Even after the years where I’ve let these waves come and go
Bulging, bursting and busting at the seams, the feeling is unsettling yet,
Still so sweetly familiar, like a home comfort, it is hard to forget
On the stormiest nights, the waves whisper the worst of words in my ear
And I am wide eyed and wondering just what it was that got me here
But I listen regardless and let the water hit me even when it is bitterly cold
It is almost sickening, but it continues to tell me a story that is yet to grow old
I cannot swim and I do not wish to, but I still find myself sitting on the shore
And I could wade out of the shallow waters but why haven’t I done that before?
I am not one to get sea sick, despite the weight on my bones and stretch in my skin
But I still long to be by water, even when I have no desire to get in.
Further than the eye can see
As the waves crash over me
The salt sticks to my wounds
And I find I am indulging in sadness
Allowing it to soak into my bones
Swallowing the blood inside my veins
Dragging me down
Until I am drowning
Wading out from water
I’m sure I felt sun on my skin
Sure I had conquered the highest tide
And could conquer anything
But with it the waves,
Had sunken my pride
And as naïve as I were
I thought I could swim
Looking down at that water now
I am careful to locate my reflection
As I submerge my skin
I have no wounds to feel any sharpness
I feel only weightless
As the waves lift me, it is effortless
And I realise this is happiness
Slowly, I am moving through the water
And now I am swimming.
It’s like sitting on a moving train
Head heavy against the glass
Skin sticking against the window pane
Watching the world go past.
I am not your stone’s throw away
I’m further than what the crow is willing to fly
As he settles in the nest he wants to stay
Whilst I am reaching a goodbye
And it’s like resting on a stranger’s skin
During the bustle of a Friday afternoon
Staring at ceilings, holding the breath in
And hoping you’ll get there soon.
It’s not that I am tired but I just keep going
It’s not even getting me down or wearing thin
I am just moving without really knowing
Where it is that my life is happening.
I know I’m notorious for throwing sweet rhymes on paper and claiming more than it is
But I’m sat beside myself, throwing caution to the wind, so they say, writing this.
Because you are behind so many words, oh you are so much to me
So I feel sure that against these words is where your name should be.
I am awake, and never have I heard my own laugh so loud in my ears
Never have I seen so many beautiful places or felt so empty of fear
When I am near to you, it’s as if I’m invincible, unstoppable maybe too.
Never had I thought that under the same sky would I find someone like you.
Sometimes, I wish I were behind your eyes just to see what you see in me
I fill my own mind with inferiority but still it is effortless in your company
I feel so lucky to be surrounded by your love and even more so by your support
You slow the world around me down and it’s even sweeter than what I thought
You’ll hate me for saying so, but I admire nearly every little thing about you
And to write such careless words is crazy maybe, foolish even too.
And I know you would screw your face up at words so sickly sweet
But I had to tell you somehow just how much you make me feel complete.
Dirt lying heavy on what you refuse to be the truth
As you smother sweet air that barely, but does certainly touch your skin
As if you could ever run from this, as it stumbles after your youth
Running, aimlessly but constantly in the direction you left in.
To say it will drown you, rip the floor beneath you, would be a lie
But it sure may lay you on this ground a beat a better life into you
And only when your skin sweats cold and your body screams why
Might you claw at that dirt with your fingernails in petty attempt to undo
In the heat of your highest moment you fell backwards into this mess
Pulling the dirt around your bones as though it were bed sheets on a cold night
You might pretend it was intentional, that you would have wanted nothing less
But you have ripped the floor beneath your feet, and lost at your own fight.
I am subdued now. Throwing myself at the walls that surround me
As though kidding myself my subtle strength is enough to break free.
It’s the same game I play every day but I’m yet to beat it still
But it hasn’t beaten me either and where there’s a way, there’s a will.
The will inside me is dwindling, getting cold from the inside out
And I feel like my voice sounds more like a whisper than a shout.
Maybe I’m trying too hard to turn into something great
Wasting time in trying when I have already sealed my fate
But what if I want more than this? More than the tiny shadow under my feet
More than the mere flicker of my flame and my constant daily defeat
So what, if I keep trying and keep stretching out my arms to those I admire
One day I will make it, and I will be a roaring, unstoppable fire.
I tread carefully between branches
Barely leaving footsteps in the sodden ground
The mud not even softening under my weight
And my touch not making a sound
I am always a day away from finding a clearing
The sight of the same trees wearing me away
Yet I never seem to rest my bones and allow it
I just start each day the same way.
If I knew which direction I was heading
Maybe I would feel the sun on my skin
And throw myself carelessly towards it
Without the worry of what I would let in.
I would leave careless footprints in the dirt
And then everyone would know I was here
I would no longer be lost in the great outdoors
I would simply, reappear
But instead I am patient in waiting
For the wind to force me to stand
For the rain to stop beating me down
And for my despondent shell to understand.
We hold a habit of unsettling our surroundings without intent
Even with the most gentle, most bashful steps
You can feel the ache of shells crunching under your weight
As they quiver and shake and then finally lose themselves.
How funny it is, that it has taken this long
And taken the strength of someone else’s bones
To break me and force myself out of this shell
And to allow me to lose myself amongst the world.
I can’t tell you how beautiful it is to feel yourself shake
To break and to burst into everything you are
And I would do it all over again, to feel that weight
To see the world around me
And to feel it.